Duffel Blog's guide to making a horrific aviation accident about your politics
It is absolutely critical to work fast before all the facts come in.
WASHINGTON — In the middle of the night on Jan. 29, a terrible aviation accident occurred when an Army Blackhawk helicopter collided with a regional airliner, killing everyone onboard both aircraft. After such a horrific tragedy, citizens across the United States have many questions: how did this happen? What went wrong? These are best left to experts. Still, Duffel Blog is here to help with the most frequently, most loudly asked question: how can I make this about me and validating my political beliefs?
Some will say it’s too soon after an accident to start pointing fingers or making such a tragic loss of life about politics. But those people are losers whose “spicy take meter” is set to mild. You know who didn’t die in that plane crash? You. Why focus on the lives tragically cut short? Those people can’t watch engagement numbers roll in on X after they post an absolute doozy of a takedown of their political opponents. But you sure can.
That said, the first step is deciding far too early who to blame for this. And it is absolutely critical to work fast before all the facts come in. You have options for which political ideology you want to validate, so choose wisely.
Let’s start with blaming the president. This never happened when Biden was in office. Meanwhile, a quick search on BlueSky will tell you that President Trump is cutting Air Traffic Control funding, and the FAA has no director. Were those contributing factors in this case? Well, that depends. Do you want them to be? Then they are. It’s that easy.
How about the other side? An Army helicopter was involved in the crash. So consider insinuating that the crew didn’t have enough flight training because they spent the last four years in DEI classes. Before you go after them too hard, it may be worth waiting until pictures of the crew themselves come out and you can determine whether they look like you. Regardless, keep in mind this type of helicopter is called a Blackhawk — a Native American name. Sounds pretty woke to us.
You could also take the conspiracy theory route. A word of caution, however: you’re probably going to have to make some pretty disparaging remarks about the people who died, military and civilian. And doing so tends to make people mad because it’s in “bad taste” or whatever. Handle this by framing everything you say as a question. What did the people on the plane know? Does it look like this was on purpose to you? Were those soldiers ordered to crash? Sure, some people will still say you’re a giant piece of shit for implying a straightforward accident was intentional, but this way you’re “just asking questions.” Checkmate, losers.
Whatever route you choose, be sure to stay flexible. More information about this tragedy will continue to surface, and some of it will prove your previous statements shortsighted, half-baked, or even flat-out wrong. In these cases, be ready to double down. Anyone who disagrees with you is doing so because they’re an idiot. Remember those questions best left to experts? Forget we said that. Experts can say whatever they want, but if it doesn’t match your answers exactly, it’s because they hate you or they’re lying, probably both.
No matter what happens, remember that these people died tragically so that you can be a dickhead online. Quietly grieving their horrific loss of life may seem appropriate and is probably what the families of the deceased would prefer. But respectful mourning doesn’t flood your timeline with validation from strangers, and until it does, the real tragedy would be to let this opportunity to be an asshole pass you by.
Spot on indeed! "And it is absolutely critical to work fast before all the facts come in" seems to be the motto of today's political elite including the Dickhead in Chief. More Duffel Blog humor that makes us laugh as we hurt as others compound the tragedy of the death of our brothers and sisters in arms as well as dozens of innocent Americans. Keep it up, "Lest We Forget"
Thank you all! We love you! Please pass this on to your friends/family/Commander-in-Chief so they know what to do.