E-4 Mafia designates Sergeant Majors nonessential personnel

FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — The E-4 Mafia announced today they have designated sergeants major, command sergeants major, and first sergeants as nonessential personnel for the remainder of the COVID-19 pandemic. The senior noncommissioned officers will be mandated to telework from home effective immediately.

Master sergeants — deemed relatively harmless by the E-4 Mafia — may continue reporting for work as normal.

“It’s totally about health and welfare and not because these ranks are giant buzzkills,” said E-4 Mafia spokesperson Spc. Frankie Howe. “The High Council met and determined these senior NCOs would best serve the Army if they were not in the vicinity of their units.”

Citing a lack of serious response by Army leadership to protect the well-being of soldiers during the pandemic, the E-4 Mafia voted to improve conditions by cutting out unnecessary senior leaders.

“These guys really just run around handing out coins, making sure your sunglasses aren’t on your head, and your hands aren’t in your pockets,” said Howe. “So, we can police ourselves and just, I don’t know, stay off the grass or whatever, while limiting exposure by keeping these dudes home.”

The Marine Corps’ Lance Corporal Syndicate is expected to vote on the matter this week.

A simulation run by the E-4 Mafia’s data management division predicts morale among junior enlisted soldiers is expected to rise by 67 percent once the telework order goes into effect and coffee stockpiles should see a 54-percent increase.

No warrant officers were available for comment.