By Zoltar the Malignant

AUSTIN, Texas — Fresh off of his acquisition of Twitter, billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk offered to purchase the entire Russian Armed Forces for $100 and a half-empty bottle of Stolichnaya vodka. 

Musk, the world’s richest man, said in a brief statement earlier today that “he knows a bargain-basement steal when he sees one” and that “you really can’t get more bargain basement right now than the Russian military.”

“Why, you ask? Why not, bitches?” Musk subsequently tweeted.