Elon Musk settles for buying Army Knowledge Online
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AUSTIN, Texas – Weeks after rescinding his offer to buy Twitter, Elon Musk has placed a bid to purchase Army Knowledge Online (AKO) for $28 Billion from the Department of Defense (DoD). The platform, which was sunset by the DoD in 2021 and did not work correctly for years prior to that, was not actively for sale before Musk’s proposal.
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Described by experts as “shittier Gmail,” the AKO system contains a plethora of features including a chat function, awards and paperwork routing, and online directories all of which have never worked correctly.
“When the Army created AKO the intent was to develop a worse, military version of multiple existing civilian applications and force Soldiers to use it,” stated Gen. Wade Adams, former Project Chief for AKO. “We’re thrilled that these poorly designed, inoperable features will still be available to users for years to come.”
Several sources close to Musk have stated that AKO first made it onto the eccentric billionaire’s radar while he was googling military equipment designations to name his next child after.
Musk, who many consider to be a real life Tony Stark of Marvel Comic Book fame minus the Iron Man suit and likable personality, was particularly impressed with the lack of Russian Bots on AKO. DoD credits this to policy decisions requiring seven levels of identity verification and password changes every 18 minutes.
“This was big for Elon after the Twitter deal fell through,” stated one source who asked to remain anonymous for fear of losing his position as a hanger-on. “After shipping Starlink to Ukraine though, he wondered how much more it would help if he had an unnecessarily user-unfriendly, military-themed interface to accompany it.
The DoD offered to throw in a Defense Knowledge Online (DKO) extension which would allow Musk to communicate with members of branches other than the Army via a chat feature similar to AOL Instant Messenger. Musk declined, however, citing disinterest in dealing with the exorbitant number of US Coast Guard members who post nothing but away messages of emo song lyrics.
At press time, Musk was still trying unsuccessfully to get a Common Access Card (CAC) reader to work with his computer so he can log in to his new purchase and check it out.