WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump fired Mark Esper after deciding his defense secretary was simply not coup enough for the current administration, according to defense and administration officials.

Christopher Miller, Esper’s acting replacement, believes Esper was good at the job but kind of a dork.

“Mark was all right, but he doesn’t drink or smoke and refuses to deploy U.S. troops against our own citizens,” Miller said during a press conference at the Hilton Tree Removal Service on Wednesday. “That’s totally not coup if you ask me.”