The following is an open letter written and signed by every National Guardsman in America.
Good morning America.
Shake off the hangover and look yourself in the eyes, if you can. It’s always an awkward transition but you will make it. We’ve seen hundreds of toxic leaders come and go over the years, so trust us when we tell you everything will be okay.
Don’t believe us? Strap in.
You think the Electoral College is an outdated system that doesn’t represent the average person’s interests? Try the National Guard Bureau on for size, assholes. The states send our most incompetent officials to Washington to get them out of the way. Then they shit all over their hometowns for personal gain. Sound familiar?
Are you worried about corruption? We’ve lived it – and this assclown’s still in charge. Hard to believe an obese official accused of improper conduct could keep his job in New Jersey, we know. But even now the New Jersey Guardsmen show up every month and play Candy Crush under their Humvees.
Sure they might be pissed off, but they still get to do their jobs like normal.
Are you concerned the new leadership might make poor financial decisions? Don’t worry, even if they do they’ll cave under media pressure and make it right.
You just have to tell Congress and they’ll take quick action to fix it.
So just take it easy and follow our advice. Smile to their face and talk shit behind their back. Grab a Monster and some smokes and hide out back by the Connex. And whatever you do, don’t piss them off until you’ve safely earned your retirement pay.