WASHINGTON — After weeks of testing and analysis, Lockheed engineers have been unable to determine the reason why some F-35 pilots have experienced hypoxia-like symptoms during flight, though some believe the problem could be that pilots have become far too reliant on oxygen, sources confirmed today.

Earlier this month, officials at Luke Air Force base halted all F-35 flights after five separate incidents were recorded in which pilots were unable to magically convert carbon dioxide into oxygen in order to survive.

"This is something we're looking into," said Brig. Gen. Brook Leonard, 56th Fighter Wing commander, "and if necessary, there will be disciplinary proceedings for pilots who cannot perform maneuvers at 30,000 feet without whining that they don't have enough O2."

According to senior defense officials, the issue could be related to the F-35's On-Board Oxygen Generating System, or OBOGS, because there aren't enough goddamn acronyms in the military and Lockheed decided we needed one…