Air Force says F-35 pilots may be too reliant on oxygen while flying

WASHINGTON — After weeks of testing and analysis, Lockheed engineers have been unable to determine the reason why some F-35 pilots have experienced hypoxia-like symptoms during flight, though some believe the problem could be that pilots have become far too reliant on oxygen, sources confirmed today.

Earlier this month, officials at Luke Air Force base halted all F-35 flights after five separate incidents were recorded in which pilots were unable to magically convert carbon dioxide into oxygen in order to survive.

"This is something we're looking into," said Brig. Gen. Brook Leonard, 56th Fighter Wing commander, "and if necessary, there will be disciplinary proceedings for pilots who cannot perform maneuvers at 30,000 feet without whining that they don't have enough O2."

According to senior defense officials, the issue could be related to the F-35's On-Board Oxygen Generating System, or OBOGS, because there aren't enough goddamn acronyms in the military and Lockheed decided we needed one more.

Leonard believes it's most likely pilot error making some pass out and dream of their past experience flying aircraft that flew from point A to point B without killing them.

"We have received some reports from the engineers that some pilots were taking breaths into their masks," Leonard told reporters. "Additionally, we're investigating some disturbing reports that some of our fliers were also handling the flight controls while in the air."