SANTA CLARITA, Calif. — Chris Peterson, CEO of LA Fitness Holdings LLC, publicly apologized for his company’s ill-timed marketing campaign to “draft Americans back into the gym” that resulted in nationwide panic and confusion.
“I push my staff to create new, exciting engagement strategies to help people become their best, most swole selves,” Rondeau said.
“One of our more entrepreneurial trainers took that call to arms a bit too far. Oops.”
According to a leaked internal memo documenting the company’s investigation, the employee responsible for the upheaval was Tampa-based trainer Chase Reynolds.
When asked about the failed plan, Reynolds responded, “I have strong ties to the military. My dad served in the first 9/11 war and my girlfriend almost joined the Air Force, so I wanted to support our troops with some serious gym gains at insane prices.”
The Department of Justice was pursuing domestic terrorism charges but promised the Department of Defense to let Reynolds walk if at least 1 percent of those texts convert to a military enlistment within three months. The leaked memo also outlined Reynold’s promotion potential if he's not charged with a federal crime.
Millions of Twitter users decided that Planet Fitness was “canceled,” but the fitness behemoth only suffered a tiny dip in stock prices after Rondeau offered to waive all initiation fees for anyone who got butt-hurt by the threat of having to serve their country.
“Again, we apologize for any chaos our innovative marketing caused, but the lesson here is to never skip leg day, bruh, and with LA Fitness’ new year deals, you’ll never have to, no matter who America starts fighting.”