CAMP PENDLETON, CA – A pair of former Marines have launched a Kickstarter project to raise enough money for them to travel back to Iraq and retake the city of Fallujah in time for the ten-year anniversary of the battle.
"Hi, I'm Austin Jenkins and this is Joe Wood. We're Marines, and this is our Kickstarter fund to send us back to Iraq to go fuck some shit up," begins the now-famous video pitch featuring the two Iraq War veterans. They are seeking $1300 to fly them one-way from the U.S. to Jordan, where they intend to cross the Iraqi border in order to "make it rain."
When asked how they plan to fight Al Qaeda militants, Jenkins said, "Yeah, where are we gonna find any weapons in Iraq?" Then they both started laughing.
Jenkins, a former Sergeant in 3rd Battalion 1st Marines, took part in the Second Battle of Fallujah in November 2004. Wood, also a former Sergeant but with 1st Battalion 5th Marines took part in the earlier battle in April of that year. After each completed several combat deployments to Iraq, both were eventually forced out of the Marine Corps due to incomplete swim qualifications.
Jenkins said he came up with the idea while watching the news last week during his job tending bar at a local strip club. "Some asshole on TV said that Al Qaeda had retaken Fallujah, and then showed pictures of them driving around waving their shitty-ass flags," Jenkins said. "Bullshit! We paid for that city and we're keeping it! It'd be like if we just gave Iwo Jima back to the Japanese."
Wood added, "Yeah, plus you can't level Fallujah to the ground without Marines present! It's a tradition, like the blood stripe or rolled sleeves."
After talking it over, the two put together a proposal on Kickstarter. Any donors pledging more than $25 will receive the ear of an insurgent, $100 gets the donor a randomly selected item from a captured cache of weapons, and over $500 will be a DVD of helmet cam footage. Finally, a special prize exists for a single donor who pledges more than $5000, namely the opportunity to join them in Fallujah and kill an Al Qaeda fighter themselves "using whatever method you choose."
Jenkins and Wood said that after raising the $1300 they needed in just an hour, they've now added a stretch goal of $2500 to help them buy two Model 82A1 Barrett Sniper Rifles with enough ammunition to take out an entire mosque terrorist training camp.
While the U.S. government has denied any involvement, saying that any Americans who want to kill Iraqis had to be working for a properly-vetted contracting company first, their self-described "crusade" has been receiving support from a surprising direction: ISAF commander and fellow Fallujah veteran Gen. Joseph Dunford.
"In these lean times of austerity and furloughs, I'm pleased to see that even former Marines are still innovating both on and off the battlefield," Dunford said when asked about the project.
He added that he was both surprised and moved by the outpouring of support for the two veterans and suggested he might send an infantry battalion from Afghanistan, "to join these fine fellows as they commemorate the anniversary of Fallujah the only way Marines know how: by killing every fucking terrorist they can find in that piece of shit town."