BANGOR, Wash. – In a pathetic profession of self-righteous delusion, sources confirmed today that Logistics Specialist 1st Class Gary Thomas claimed he is overweight because he simply “eats too much.”

Thomas – by all accounts a fat, disgusting slob with no business serving in the world’s finest maritime force – failed his third and final body composition assessment (BCA) and can’t be processed out of the Navy fast enough, sources added.

“Sailors who fail height and weight standards typically suffer some sort of affliction beyond their control,” said. Cmdr. Bianca Ward, a medical officer who grants waivers authorizing the retention of overweight sailors.

“These victims bear excess adipose tissue for a number of reasons: thyroid disorders, the recent birth of a child three years ago, an untimely divorce,” Ward continued, “though the most catastrophic instances of unchecked corpulence occur during the simultaneous launch of a Netflix original series and Ben & Jerry’s newest flavor.”

Thomas –…