FDA authorizes Crayola vaccine for Marines
"The results were just off-the-charts."
By Cobra Commander
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has authorized the emergency use of an edible vaccine developed by Crayola in an effort to shore up inoculations in the Marine Corps.
“We’ve been trying to think outside the box for how to get all of our Marines vaccinated against COVID-19,” said Marine Commandant Gen. David H. Berger. “Turns out we just needed to think inside the crayon box.”
Crayons have been a favorite of Marines throughout history, so Crayola is a natural fit as a vaccine maker.
“You tell a Marine that he has to get a shot administered by the government, and you can just see the trepidation in their eyes,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease. “You put the vaccine in a crayon? Hell, you can’t hardly stop them from getting inoculated.”
The Crayola vaccine has been getting rave reviews from Marines, far and wide.
“Some guys like a nice Cerulean vaccine,” said Lance Cpl. James Belken. “But I like to stick to the classics, like Green or Dark Green.”
Marine officials believe that the emergency authorization will lead to a 100% vaccination rate within weeks. This comes after months of testing other non-standard vaccine delivery vehicles.
“We tried putting the vaccine in the chocolate peanut butter they get in MREs and also in bottles of whiskey. It worked but when we partnered with Crayola, the results were just off-the-charts,” said Fauci.
A large segment of Americans have dragged their feet or outright refused to be vaccinated. Distrust of the government, disinformation in the media, and various other reasons have contributed to the reluctance. But Marine leadership hopes that the Crayola vaccine will put Marines in a win-win situation.
“I get about 20 shots from the government every year. Do I know what’s in them? No. Do I know anything about virology? Not a chance. But, a guy on a podcast that sells brain pills said I should be wary of the COVID vaccine, so I decided this was the hill I would die on,” reported one Marine. “Well, more accurately, this is the hill that one of my loved ones with pre-existing health conditions will die on.”