Female Cadet Rushes Home With Copy of Grand Theft Auto V, Can’t Wait To Experience Raging Misogyny
AIR FORCE ACADEMY, CO – “Oh-em-gee, I cannot wait to choke a bitch!” Cadet Lori Snow squealed as she clutched a copy of the new video game release Grand Theft Auto V. She’d received the game for free as part of developer Rockstar Games’ Salute the Troops giveaway.
“It’s always been my dream to get inside the head of a sociopath who treats women like objects to be manipulated, marginalized or owned. It’s like they made this game just for me!”
“We’re glad to hear that Lori loves the game," said James Mitchell, a spokesman for Rockstar Games. "Our team worked hard to make the misogynistic experience as immersive as possible. The game’s developers spent countless hours of loving detail on every stripper, prostitute, bystander, crime victim and love interest that make up the game’s entire female population. We put our hearts and souls into that code.”
Lori spent hours of game time just paying prostitutes for sex and then beating them up to get her character’s money back. She reported a deep sense of satisfaction, “Ah. So that’s what it’s like. Fuck yeah.”
The cadet was also delighted to stumble across one of the game’s randomly generated encounters in which a man held a gun on a kneeling woman while another man, naked from the waist down, loomed behind her. “A rape scene! Awesome! Can they get any more into my head?”
However, the spokesman was quick to correct Lori’s misconception, “It’s not a rape scene. It’s a partially naked man engaging in cannibalism.”
Lori’s face fell at the revelation, “Oh.”
Despite the game’s disappointing lack of rape, Lori gave the game two big thumbs up and expressed excitement over Rockstar’s next big title.
“We’re developing a gritty adventure with an open world architecture set during the Civil War,” Mitchell said. “Your character’s a Confederate soldier, drafted by the rebels. It’s a life he was born into. He’s gotta hustle to get by, he has no choice. You’ll fight for the Confederacy while earning money on the side doing illegal jobs for shady associates. You’ll also have random encounter opportunities to beat slaves and lynch black Union soldiers. Our working title is Mean Green Machine.”
The spokesman assured Cadet DeShawn Williams, president of the US Air Force Academy’s NAACP chapter, that Mean Green Machine would be available for pre-order soon.