Female Marine transfers to Air Force to get laid

CAMP PENDLETON — Tired of being denied dates by male civilians and fellow service members alike, Marine Sgt. Jennifer Lattimore recently transferred to the Air Force in the hopes of finally getting laid.

“I haven’t had sex since senior prom,” Lattimore lamented. “As soon as guys hear I’m a Marine, they’re like ‘Oh, are you a lesbian?’ or ‘Can you kill me with your bare hands?’ and they walk away.”

Lattimore had tried everything from wearing short, tight skirts out to clubs, trying to get her squad-mates and high school friends drunk to take advantage of them, and getting enormous breast implants, but none of those approaches helped her score.

“I paid like $4,000 for these girls,” Lattimore said, shaking her sweater kittens, “and the other sergeants still won’t slip me the salami. I can’t even get a handjob!”

Out of desperation, having heard the stereotypes that Air Force girls are easy and get laid all the time, Lattimore put in an inter-service transfer request. After attending Air Force boot camp, Lattimore had to attend a prior-service transition course teaching her how to “cross into the hotness,” according to the school’s motto.

According to Lattimore, the weeks of learning what make-up, jewelry and undergarments go best with which uniforms were well worth it.

“Within three days of getting to my first unit, I got my first unit, if you know what I mean,” Lattimore said.

Duffel Blog writer Perpetual Captain contributed to this article.