Female Officer Acquitted For Sexual Relationship With Enlisted Female Because Honestly, It's Kind Of Hot
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — After a month long trial, 1st Lt. Summer Lovejoy has been found not guilty of numerous charges stemming from an illicit love affair with an 18-year-old female Private under her supervision.
The trial, which captivated the nation, will be studied in law schools for decades after a near perfect defense by Lovejoy's attorneys: They presented photographic evidence and a detailed narrative of the raven-haired, curvaceous officer's affair with her exotic, petite young soldier.
"I wasn't quite on board with my attorney's defense strategy," said Lovejoy. "I couldn't figure out why I spent five straight days on the stand recounting every single sexual encounter I had in explicit detail. But then it hit me, my attorney wanted to show we were in love and love conquers all or something."
Lovejoy's testimony was originally intended to last only one day, but her vivid account held the judge, jury, attorneys, courtroom spectators, Twitter followers, the crowd of thousands outside the courthouse, and users watching a livestream on YouPorn.com completely spellbound.
"It was difficult to stay focused with her never ending stories," said juror number six. "From their first encounter in a supply room wearing only reflective belt pasties, to a drunken escapade at The Wall in Nuremberg, we were very, very hard at work in trying to decide this case."
While the majority of courtroom analysts were surprised at how long Lovejoy spent on the stand, most conceded the testimony was prolonged by the 270 recesses taken by the judge to consider the evidence presented.
After three days of deliberation, and after the all-male jury requested the blonde, 20-year-old female court reporter read back all of Lovejoy's testimony, a decision was reached. The jury filed back into the courtroom and rendered its verdict.
"Your honor," the foreman said. "we the jury, find the defendant, not guilty by reason of kind of hot or reasonable doubt or something."
Following the verdict, television legal analysts took to the air and predicted outrage from the public, in what many thought was a slam dunk case for the prosecution. Most onlookers outside the courthouse, however, quietly returned to their homes and closed their shutters.
"I know I should be shocked by this," said Rebecca Foster, an Army veteran. "And I guess I am, but all I keep thinking is: Where were all these hot, executive officers when I was a private?"
With her ordeal finally over, Lovejoy has decided to put her difficult experience behind her and continue serving in the military.
"I live to service others," said Lovejoy. "With my career being tarnished by these outrageous allegations, I will not quit trying to break through the camouflaged ceiling, even if I have to scissor my way through."
Even though she has recently been appointed as her Battalion's SHARP representative as a show of faith in her leadership abilities, the West Point graduate isn't taking anything for granted. When asked if she has plans in case her military career stalls, Lovejoy said she wants to return to school to pursue an equally honorable profession and receive her high school teaching credential.
ArmyJ's sexual deviance contributed to this hard hitting and juvenile piece of journalism.