First annual JodyCon goes out with a bang

WASHINGTON — The first worldwide Jody Conference has been a "rousing success," according to several organizers and participants from the event.

Initially conceived as a joke by a civilian outside Fort Carson, the idea gained traction on social media and eventually snowballed into the inaugural International JodyCon, held at Trump International Hotel in the nation's capital.

"I never thought things would get this far," said Joran Dillinger, who goes by "Jody" for short, as he sipped wine before the convention. "And yet here I am, hosting a get-together for other spouse-chasers from all over the world."

Hundreds of Jodies and military spouses from around the globe — including yours — flocked to the District of Columbia under the guise of "going out with friends." The gender-neutrality of the name "Jody" has only helped strengthen the ruse.

JodyCon started off with live music by indie rock band “The Slippery Jodies,” followed by an opening speech by Jody Malcolm, well-known in the international Jody community as a prolific “dependa-catcher.”

Malcolm's PowerPoint presentation covered the amazing exploits of bride-stealers throughout history, reaching all the way back to Josephus Molaris — translated from Latin as "Joseph the Grinder." Molaris was an infamous libertine from the time of the Roman Republic who evaded military service to pursue women and young men alike. Also included were slides about "Jodie Sauvage" — a courtier of Richard the Lionheart who stayed behind during the Third Crusade — and "Jody Wilmington," an English philanderer who remained in England during the American Revolution, among many others.

Also included were profiles on various women who have helped civilian husbands stave off loneliness since the armed forces began allowing females to join.

"We come from a proud tradition stretching back two millennia," Jody Malcolm said as he wrapped up the presentation. "These are just a small sample of the heroic individuals who have tended to the needs of lonely women and men on the home-front. And today, we renew our resolve to continue fighting the good fight."

The hundreds of Jodies and spouses in attendance then dispersed and went around to various booths and workshops in the convention center, according to sources. Various subject-matter experts taught the throngs of eager attendees various tips and tricks for how to be a good Jody. Among the workshops were "Attracting officer wives," "How to be a good listener," "Deployment cycles 101," "Evasive driving techniques," and "Natural penis enlargement tricks."

At the close of the convention, Joran "Jody" Dillinger thanked everyone for coming, invited the guests to an after-party at his mansion outside D.C., and concluded with, "Let's end tonight with a bang!"

At press time, your spouse has returned from his "trip with the guys," but was unable to explain the strange rash in his crotch area.