First sergeant berates kids wearing out-of-regs Army costumes

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — A typical Halloween was ruined for many children who knocked on the door of the Brooks residence Monday evening, sources told Duffel Blog.

“What do we have here?” said Gerald Brooks, greeting another group of costumed trick-or-treaters. “A princess, a werewolf, and — oh. Out-fucking-standing. More imitation soldiers.”

Witnesses say that Brooks, a first sergeant with the 82nd Airborne, gestured sternly with his “command” hand, fingers extended and joined, toward the group’s two camouflaged nine-year-olds.

“You think you can mix that uniform with that that flock-of-seagulls haircut? Not in this man’s Army, hippie. Next time go as a career that will match your hair, like McDonald’s cashier. And you. Are you seriously wearing an eight-point cover with an ACU jacket? Do you even know what branch you’re pretending to be in? No Snickers for you, Jarhead. Now get the hell off my porch.”

“This is a travesty,” Brooks fumed after the children left. “I haven’t seen a single costume that’s AR 670-1 compliant. What the hell do they think being a soldier is all about — looking cool and playing with guns?”

Over the course of the evening, numerous children in military costumes were seen being turned away from the Brooks household, in tears and without candy.

“He told me to button my pockets and blouse my boots, whatever that means,” said Toby McWatt, a confused fourth grader who went trick-or-treating as “an Army Guy.” “Then he said he wouldn’t give me candy unless I told him what unit my dad’s in."

"He’s a poophead,” McWatt concluded.

Brooks was unmoved by objections that the children were too young to know better.

“These kids are in it for the candy the same way some recruits are just in it for the college money,” he continued. “Well, at my house, a 3 Musketeers Bar is earned, never given.”

The lack of adherence to regulations apparently did not hinder the trick-or-treaters’ ability to act tactically, however.

Sources confirmed that later that evening, a squad of camouflaged children returned to 1st Sgt. Brooks’s property, egging the house and draping the trees with toilet paper in a clandestine mission reportedly entitled “Operation Stupid Jerkface.”