CAMP LEJEUNE, NC — In a school circle early on Friday afternoon, 1st Sgt. Roberto Ramirez of Company C, 1st Battalion, 6th Marines took an unprecedented approach in his liberty brief by declaring a safe space from all of his Marines' weekend bullshit.
"From the moment the CO releases you until zero-six on Monday morning is now a safe space for myself and the company staff," Ramirez said. "A safe space from all of your shenanigans. None of your bullshit will take place in my safe space. This includes DUI's, hazing, speeding tickets, and anything involving strippers. "
The established safe space will finally give the first sergeant a chance to fix the leak in his roof at home, eat a nice, quiet dinner with his family, and allow him to refrain from screaming obscenities that startle his wife at 3 a.m. after receiving a phone call from the military police.
''Well, I think it's a bold idea. All of our boots are whiny millennials. I'd bet a log of Grizzly Straight it works,'' said Sgt. Michael Jones when asked about the policy. ''Plus, if liberal college kids can demand a safe space from facts, why not? First sergeant's a fucking saltdog. If anyone rates a safe space, it's him. He's been to Iraq in three separate decades."
"This is an offense to all minorities,'' said Pvt. William Langerhans, an 18-year-old rifleman from California. ''First sergeant can't have a safe space! He holds a position of power! People of color everywhere should be as enraged as I am. More importantly, how am I supposed to avoid responsibility for my actions while on liberty? My chain of command exists to protect me from the real world!''
"We were at our wits end,'' Capt. Joseph Baum said. "Every damned weekend it's something new. It keeps getting worse. It's almost as if making all of the Marines come in to work every time an incident happened was a bad idea. First Sergeant came out of nowhere with this. We'll give it one shot.
At press time, the barracks was eerily quiet.