First sergeant gives up on his soldiers for Lent

FORT BRAGG — Devout Catholic and dedicated first sergeant Anthony Lawrence has decided to give up on the soldiers in his company for the 40-day period of Lent this year.

The company commander, Capt. Patrick Donahue, is proud of his enlisted advisor for making such a sacrifice.

“I’m giving up energy drinks and online poker for Lent, but everyone’s vice is different,” says Donahue. “Personally, I don’t give a crap about the joes, but Lawrence does, so this is actually difficult for him.”

Lawrence, who has personally bailed a subordinate out of jail for indecent exposure only to have him go on a meth-fueled shoplifting frenzy the next day, has realized what a harmful effect his behavior is having.

“It’s really about giving up a lot of sins at once,” said Lawrence. “Caring too much about what happens to my soldiers is what causes me to get drunk, smoke, swear, and consider suicide, all of which I’m sure the Lord wants me to stop.”

The first sergeant’s wife, who has seen her husband provide extensive career guidance to a soldier who weeks later blew a .24-blood-alcohol level on a DUI stop, feels like the change is overdue.

“Cleaning some private’s vomit out of Anthony’s truck isn’t so bad, but the time the poor man commits to taking care those same ungrateful troops is truly immoral,” Mrs. Lawrence told reporters. “I hope Anthony can make this a habit beyond Lent and give up on his soldiers year round.”