Are You There God? It's Me, 1st Sgt

The following is a prayer by your Company 1st Sgt.

Dear God, whose command is over all and whose love never fails, please let me just this once get a full night of sleep and not have to take any asinine phone calls. Give me the will to face the Sergeant Major on Monday without the blotter report resembling my entire personnel roster.

Almighty Father, just once I want to watch my kid's soccer game on Saturday without getting word a Marine was arrested for trying to sell his SAPI plates on eBay. Let all my married Marines not smack the lips off their spouses. Please, no calls from Family Advocacy while we're at it. One more call from those judgmental harpies and I'll start cutting myself again, I swear.

Lord in Heaven, if there's another orgy in the barracks I ask that everyone involved give full consent first this time. Please let there be no incidents related to alcohol or anything that will cause our battalion to hold another stand down of any kind. I would rather drag my skull through broken glass than have to produce another training roster.

Sigh ... sorry, Lord, I have to take this.

Hello? First Sergeant here.

Yeah Staff Sergeant. What's up?

Say again?

Oh for crying out loud! Naked? In a children's playground? At recess? You have got to be bullshitting me! Didn't I specifically say at the libo formation for everyone to keep their clothes on out in town? I know I said exposing yourself in public was a no go. What the hell are you teaching your platoon? I hate all you miserable fuckers!