FORT NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST, Moon – Space Force Planners announced the first space force base would be named after a confederate general for “reasons,” a Pentagon press release announced Monday.
“In a tradition dating back to 1916, and maybe probably earlier, the Space Force will carry on the tradition of naming its bases after losing generals,” the unsigned release noted. “Starting with Fort Forrest, we expect all Space Force bases to be named after mediocre short-time martialists by 2038. “
The announcement was lauded at Fort Benning, Fort Bragg, Fort Gordon, Fort Lee, Fort Rucker, and Fort Polk. Fort Longstreet could not be reached for comment.
Several Space Force generals considered naming the forts after Medal of Honor recipients, heroes of modern conflicts, non-treasonous humans who have actually walked on the moon, or commanders who win the battles they fight. Instead, they decided that the Confederate General thing was pretty cool and classy sounding.
“Those guys drank mint juleps,” one general said, on condition of anonymity.
Some in the Navy have argued for naming the base after the Confederate admiral, but on closer examination saw that naval bases were usually named after geography, and “Moon Space Force Station, Moon,” didn’t have the spirit they were going for.
“Although Space Force is new, we want to evoke the traditions of the past,” said General Braxton Higgs-Botham, Space Force Commander. “Naming our first fort after Confederate generals shows the values we want Space Force to have. If you declare rebellion against your government and then lose the war you started, you should get something named after you.”
“Lost causes, etc., etc.”