GREAT LAKES, Ill. – From his withdrawn perch on the bulkhead, Solomon B. McFly reported that he was suddenly overcome by a pervasive and unremitting wave of sorrow as he observed "the undisciplined gaggle of 80 repulsive teens" before him.

“I weep for our great nation,” he said unblinkingly, his proboscis dangling forlornly and the disappointment plainly etched upon his face. “Is this the best there is to offer? My larvae, my pupae, this is the world I leave them?”