Force Recon Marine writes tell-all coloring book

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A Force Recon Marine has recently published his first tell-all coloring book, according to sources at both Chuck E. Cheese and Books-a-Billion in nearby Jacksonville.

Speaking at the bookstore while munching on a cold slice of pepperoni, Capt. Joshua Hopkins, assigned to the Marine Corps’ 2nd Reconnaissance Battalion, told a group of under-10s and Baby Boomer veterans that his new book explores the dichotomy between hating everything about the Marine Corps and taking pleasure in defeating America’s enemies in extremely violent ways.

Standing before a 30-foot wide rack of Navy SEAL tell-all books, he mentioned that Navy SEALs shouldn’t get all the credit, since Marines are just as good, being the littoral service’s version of SEALs, Rangers, Special Forces and those ridiculous so-called Air Force PJs.

“Why are they in their pajamas, huh?” he asked the gathered crowd.

Hopkins told the audience that he chose to simplify his art this time by using a mere 16-count Crayola box, which includes colors like red violet, red orange, and yellow green — colors that, according to him, accurately reflect the spray of exploding human bodies he personally witnessed during multiple firefights in Iraq and Afghanistan and during liberty in Virginia Beach. He then admitted to eating the brown, violet and white crayons because he got hungry between his first and second signing sessions at the well-regarded North Carolina bookstore.

“Marines eat when they can, and wherever they are,” he said to the audience as brown goo dribbled from his lips.

After a recent positive placement in the New York Times Book Review, which called his book a tour de force of “middle school meets M4,” Hopkins undertook a signing tour of bookshops, university campuses, and cars dealing meth in the bad parts of town, where he received universal acclaim for his artwork and storytelling skills.

Prof. Walmus P. Cornshank of the Art Department at Samford University, Alabama, exclaimed, “This is the best decadent military art I’ve seen since I toured the UNESCO-funded Port-a-Potty exhibits at Talil and Bagram. The way [Hopkins] juxtaposes penis drawings with maximizing the limited 16-color deck in a fluorescent spooge of visual chromaticism and raw tincture, is simultaneously fascinating and worthy of a psychiatrist’s attention.”

Walrus M. Smallshank, senior art critic at The New York Times, explained his argument for including Hopkins in the Book Review.

“It’s rare when we get to experience — through superior art — the military experience,” Smallshank said. “Mostly it’s just dick pics posted on Instagram, or pilots drawings dicks in the sky. Those are not too inspiring in the main. But now, here, we have 16-color expressions of the pain and glory of military service, represented in a coloring book that can teach children how simultaneously awful and glorious is military service.

“On page four, Hopkins explores Officer Candidate School by presenting a dick pic on his locker, using only two drab colors. But here at page 20, we see Hopkins deployed, where he draws a picture of an Afghan fighter’s exploded head using at least eight colors. This shows his development as an artist.”

However, skeptics jumped on Hopkin’s book.

Jimmy Missourah, an art reviewer at National Public Radio, which always calls Missouri “Missourah” in a fake attempt to appear folksical and pro-American, declaimed the book, noting that the colors were already filled in on most pages, denying children and Boomer veterans their chance to fill in the blood-colors of their choice.

And Marcia Stone-Wretch of The Times (London) complained that she couldn’t even find a 16-color Crayola box for her children.

“It’s like the Americans just want to keep their war-mongering comics to themselves,” she said on a recent Good Morning Britain Sluts TV program.