FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Fort Bragg, the Army’s crown jewel and national STD hotspot, is about to get shittier. The installation took a step closer toward energy security with a massive contract to burn soldiers’ crap and harvest the methane for electricity.

Typical Army-housed power generation, such as solar farms, can provide backup for a few critical missions during a grid outage. The amount of shit 50,000 soldiers can produce will power every mission, every Xbox, and every plug-in flesh light for the entire installation—and surrounding counties as well. And, as Bragg boasts the second-highest number of general officers outside the Pentagon, the raw production material will be top quality kindling.

Mack Dillon, CEO of the start-up company that won the contract, believes this energy security project is long overdue. His personal burn pit connection made the award even more satisfying.

“Yeah, it’s personal for me,” Dillon said. “We’ve been giving away free energy to Afghanistan from our burn …