By Call Sign Buttercup

FORT BRAGG – In a sign of the Army’s progress and “People First strategy,” soldiers of the 18th Field Artillery Brigade called their female commander an asshole instead of a bitch today. 

Pfc. Samuel Martino was immediately scolded after referring to Capt. Lisa Fillip as a “total bitch” and a “withering hag” after she led them in a tough CrossFit workout for physical training Monday morning. 

The soldier was immediately reprimanded by his squad leader Sgt. Phil Walters for using gendered slurs, as opposed to generally abusive language, to criticize his female commander. 

“The U.S. Army Insult Guide authorizes the use of gender-neutral terms ‘asshole,’ ‘shithead,’ ‘fuckface,’ and ‘chucklefuck,’” explained Sgt. Walters to Pfc. Martino, “And ‘motherfucker’ is only approved in the dress uniform.” 

When interviewed about the incident, Sgt. Walters says that he was inspired by his first sergeant’s positive habit of adding “or she” after each “he” uttered. “That shit’s femi…