French military surrenders to coronavirus

PARIS – In a desperate attempt to curb the spread of coronavirus disease, or COVID-19, within its borders, the French military surrendered unconditionally to the virus in a beautifully choreographed public ceremony this morning.

“I have trained my entire life for this moment,” said France’s Chief of Defense Staff, Gen. François Gérard Marie Lecointre, as he dutifully laid his saber at the foot of one of the virus’s numerous docking glycoproteins. “Surrendering to a greater force, or in this case a superior pseudo-living particle, is the greatest distinction for which an officer in our nation’s employ can strive.”

“I only hope our new virulent overlords see fit to find a place in their government for my humble talents.”

Shortly after the ceremony, the virus entered the French general through his anus, took control of his faculties, and forced him to dab and floss to the cheers and applause of the French people gathered. While many see the French surrender as a shocking loss in the war on coronavirus, others view it as just another chapter in the long line of French capitulation over the past 200 years.

“Military history is replete with examples of generals fighting the last war,” Pentagon historian Col. Robert Nightstalker said. “Unfortunately for the French, the last 200 years doesn’t provide too many examples of them winning. Waterloo, both world wars, colonialism. Hell, we had to keep them from surrendering to the Taliban several times in the past decade.”

Though there is a small segment of the population resisting the virus by washing their hands, coughing into their elbows, and just bathing regularly, many French citizens have already begun learning to speak virus, a guttural tongue that sounds like Dutchman having a stroke or a walrus clearing its throat. Still others stubbornly refuse to speak any language other than French.

The virus was able to establish a new government in mere hours thanks to a little known constitutional provision added at the end of World War II to streamline puppet government creation for invaders.

"If someone invades, its just a matter of time until we surrender," French President Emmanuel Macron told reporters as the virus prepared to mount and enter him. "This just shortens the process so we can get back to steady-state arrogance, lovemaking, and Islamophobia."

Sadly, the French people have already begun turning over select ethnic minority populations to the new Vichy French government for extra wine, cheese, and toilet paper rations.

Duffel Blog reporter G-Had contributed to this reporting.