Gatorade Awarded $1 Billion Piss Bottle Contract

WASHINGTON — Gatorade has finalized a $1 billion deal making it the official supplier of piss bottles for the Department of Defense, the company announced today.

The contract to supply hundreds of thousands of "Urine Disposal Device, Personal," or "piss bottles" to troops, comes after many complained about former supplier Nestle.

"They were hard to fit into," Lance Cpl. Nathan Ellis said, of the Nestle bottles he used in a previous deployment to Iraq. The complaint is common amongst combat solders, and it has sometimes led to cases of Afghan "finger trap" syndrome.

"One time, our [Light Armored Vehicles] were bouncing through the desert, when I heard a gunner in another company accidentally — you know, got stuck," Ellis said. Gatorade hopes to avoid many of the problems raised by troops in the past, which include leaky caps, punctures, and bottles mistaken for iced tea.

While Gatorade is the main winner in the negotiation, subcontractors are working to provide other accessories, including funnels, quick release caps, and long-distance catheters for troops on 12-hour-long patrols. Interestingly, the most promising contracts come from veteran-owned companies, which have experimented on piss bottle technology pro bono for years.

According to Pentagon specifications, deployed troops will be issued a Kydex drop pouch with multiple bottles, funnel, and battery pack for monitors. The estimated weight is roughly 15 to 25 pounds, should be available early next year.