By Bull Winkle
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Navy’s newest ship may not have the impact on maritime security that senior leaders intended, according to a new gender reveal mine developed by the Naval Weapons Research Laboratory (NRL).
“The thing was just supposed to coat the side of the ship with tinted talcum powder,” said lab spokesman Lt. Cmdr. Frederick Foss at the recent launch of the USS Thomas B. Modly (LCS-32). “Instead, the mine just flashed ‘inert’ for several seconds and drifted back to its holding area. This is more disappointing than last year’s Army-Navy game.”
Foss told reporters that he fears the Modly, an Independence-class Littoral Combat Ship (LCS) and the Navy’s most advanced technology, may experience all the success of the famous Swedish warship, Vasa.
Sources say a new Navy awareness program to bring Navy culture into the 21st century led to the revealing prophecy.
“Launching a ship with a bottle of champagne and calling it a ‘she’ is a relic of the past,” Foss told reporters. Today’s Navy appreciates gender complexities as part of its more modern approach. “When people think ‘woke,’ they should think U.S. Navy,” he said.
To support the new outlook, NRL designed the Mark 86-PS (Pronoun Sensing) sea mine. The mine contacts with the ship during launch ceremonies and uses artificial intelligence to sense how the ship identifies. Then the mine announces genders with colored powder, smoke, and printed messages.
“It’s like a big Magic 8 Ball, but with colorful pyrotechnics,” Foss said.
During the Modly launch, the mine turned a blue color as programmed, but unexpectedly displayed the printed message “INERT.” Inert is common military parlance for “dud,” “lifeless,” or “flag officer.”
“That’s not in its design,” Foss said, “apparently the ship and the Mark 86-PS are more perceptive and collaborative than we imagined.”
“The Navy is outrageously inserting gender into military rituals, where it doesn’t belong,” said Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.), when reached for comment. Inhofe said that instead of gender reveals, the Navy or “somebody responsible” should focus on the ship’s high cost, complex “Frankenstein-ish” design, unreliable propulsion system, and meager combat power. “Stick with tradition!” said the senator, who is the ranking member of the Senate Armed Services Committee.
Reports that the USS Thomas B. Modly’s commander and command master chief are attending positive affirmation therapy are unconfirmed.
Within hours of the Navy’s announcement, the Air Force abruptly canceled fielding its “Gender Finder” (GF) Mark 81 Joint Direct Attack Munition (JDAM) aerial mine designed for the F-35.
An Air Force spokesperson called the cancellation “totally unrelated” to the Navy and declared unconditional love for the F-35.
Whiskey Fueled Tirade contributed to this article.