General Dunford's First Official Act As Commandant: Ban 'Ooh-rah'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Less than one week after taking over as the Marine Corps' top officer, Gen. Joseph 'Fighting Joe' Dunford, is proposing controversial changes to Marine culture as the Corps continues to shift focus after more than a decade of war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

His first order of business: Eliminate the phrase "Ooh-rah" from Marine lexicon.

Also to be done away with will be similar expressions like Err, Yut, and Rah, which sources say the Commandant considers a mockery of traditional Marine customs and courtesies. Finally, the term YAT-YAS will not only be forbidden but stricken from any historical records as Dunford feels it may be the most inane battle cry in the history of warfare.

Insiders claim the order stems from a physical altercation which took place immediately following his remarks at the change of command ceremony on Friday, which left a number of Marines with injuries ranging from eye gouges to one severe hematoma of the taint.

Witnesses to the incident say the new Commandant was being congratulated by various well wishers when he reportedly smacked a Master Gunnery Sgt. after he was addressed with "Ooh-rah sir."

"Shut your filthy sewer, pogue," growled the general as he struck the senior SNCO in the mouth with an open hand. "That expression is a weak affectation and I won't stand for it."

The commandant then turned and kicked the Color Sergeant of the Marine Corps in the groin. Marine officials claim Dunford was enraged that one member of the color guard fell out during the ceremony. A number of aides were also assaulted when they attempted to physically restrain the general and remove him from the scene.

"That's what happens when we appoint an air winger as Commandant," Dunford said, as he was finally escorted from the parade deck. "I will not allow this pernicious weakness to further infect my Corps."

An All-Marine administrative message (ALMAR) is expected to be released this week officially banning "Ooh-rah" and making its utterance punishable under articles of the Uniform Code of Military Justice.