General Dunford picks this week to start sniffing glue again

THE PENTAGON—A shot down drone, a murderous Navy SEAL, and a near war with Iran all faded into the distance as Marine General Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, took a long draw off a tube of super glue.

“That’s some good sticky shit,” said Dunford. “I’ve been off the Elmers for a few years now, but whoowheeeee, there’s no getting through this week without a little schnozz candy.”

Dunford leaned back, breathed deeply, and told his aide-de-camp that the come down off this glue was going to “make that shitshow circus of a military trial happening in San Diego kind of look good” in comparison.

While sniffing glue is not new to the position of Chairman, Dunford was the first to pass around a Costco 48 pack of glue to the National Security Council after yelling, “Fucking A, I can’t just sit back and watch this” as air strikes were called on Iran.

Witnesses say hours later, National Security Advisor John Bolton was observed trying to cut one of Dunford’s tubes of glue out of his mustache after Bolton fell asleep on it.

Duffel Blog Washington correspondent Grumpy contributed to this report.