General Funk announces 20 new fundamentals in response to Coronavirus

THE PENTAGON — Gen. Paul E. Funk II has heard the cries of a starving nation. What world could be content with only 40 Funk Fundamentals? Not this one.

The new list came to Gen. Funk in a dream, as if from within the Gates of Valhalla, itself. He awoke this morning knowing that the world must know what we are about to share with you—Funk's Advanced Theorems.

Funk’s Fundamentals have been quoted in such noted locations as Gen. Funk’s professional Twitter account, this Reddit thread, and multiple officer evaluations. They also have appeared in a series of YouTube videos widely watched by his mom.

May they serve as guideposts on par with such sage advice as making one's bed:

Funk's Fundamental Number 41: You can learn a lot from watching Jeopardy.

Number 42: Always hover over the porta john seat.

Number 43: Essential oils make bad dreams go away, but they don't stop training!

Number 44: Measures of performance are more important than measures of effectiveness.

Number 45: Never waste a good squirt of hand sanitizer.

Number 46: If you're gonna dig your own grave, dig it six feet deep.

Number 47: Always sneeze on a person you think is about to sneeze on you. Preemptive strike. See Funk's Fundamental Number 48.

Number 48: The best defense is a good offense.

Number 49: Measure once, cut twice.

Number 50: Pobody’s nerfect.

Number 51: Leadership is still a contact sport on Facetime and Twitter.

Number 52: Shut up and fish.

Number 53: Kiss the cook.

Number 54: Always remember Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom Principle (which Gen. Funk has shamelessly admitted to taking from Lt. Gen. McMaster).

Number 55: Hooah? Hooah!

Number 56: If you're gonna pee in the pool, stay hydrated so no one knows you peed.

Number 57: MREs are free if you take them from the supply cage when no one is looking.

Number 58: If the Emporer isn't wearing any clothes, don't tell him.

Number 59: Hooah is not a four-letter word. That would spell Hoah.

Number 60: The more you refer to yourself in the third person, the more sagely you appear.

And, finally, Number 60 (for some reason there are two new number 60s... oh Funk, you rascal!): A leader is only as good as his most recent PAO.

Veishnoriets, Paul J. OLeary, Dark Laughter, and Dick Scuttlebutt contributed to reporting.