General Mattis Crosses Potomac With 100,000 Troops; President, Senate Flee City

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented turn in American history, retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, several years after being dismissed by the President and exiled to his estate in the countryside, marched on the national capitol early Tuesday morning with an army over one hundred thousand strong.

This number includes at least ten infantry legions, several aviation and artillery legions, and multiple cavalry cohorts.

“I come in peace, by myself, in order to hand-deliver a Memorandum of Concern to the Commander in Chief and the Senate,” said Mattis in a press conference. “I am moving on foot at a leisurely pace, with no ill will. If these American citizens choose to take a stroll with me, then who am I to turn down their companionship?”

The contents of the so-called memorandum are unknown, but are rumored by Mattis’ close advisors to contain paragraphs addressing unconstitutional acts by the administration and the Senate. Alarmed by the amassing of troops sympathetic to Mattis over the last week at Fort Myer, the Senate, the President, and various generals attempted to recall various combat divisions to Washington to defend the city.

These included the 101st Airborne, 82nd Airborne, 10th Mountain, and 3rd Infantry Divisions, in addition to the 2nd Marine Expeditionary Force.

“We even attempted to contact NAVSURFLANT and SUBLANT,” confided one Senate aide as he packed his Datsun to flee northward. “All we got was laughter and then static.”

The summoned units all either ignored their movement orders, or by the next morning had joined forces with Mattis’ ad-hoc command.

Mattis was apparently done waiting, and crossed the Potomac on landing craft, escorted by an honor guard from MARSOC. After setting fire to the National Archives and sabotaging key infrastructure, the cabinet and most members of the Senate fled north toward New York and Boston in cars, vans and whatever other vehicles they could commandeer.

The President has not been seen since early yesterday morning, but sources inside the State Department confirm that he is on a scheduled goodwill trip to Egypt, which was kept from the press for safety reasons. His travel schedule has not been released to pool reporters.