JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO, Texas – A heartbreaking scene unfolded today at an Air Mobility Command terminal when staff told a general he would not be able to deploy with his emotional support mistress.
As the general waited to board a plane with the young captain sitting on his lap, an airman working at the gate asked for a note from a military doctor and the captain’s immunization records. When the general could not produce the required paperwork, the general was informed she would have to leave the aircraft..
“He really lost it when we told him she would not be able to accompany him,” said Senior Airman C.K. Blocker. “We gave them a few minutes to say goodbye, and there was a fair amount of heavy petting before we took her away. But I’ll admit, even I teared up a little when the old man told us they hadn’t been apart since she was just a young second lieutenant.”
“But, rules are rules.”
While mistresses are not commonly prescribed for emotional support, passenger terminal staff agree that they are not the most bizarre service animals.
“I’ve seen some crazy shit pass through those doors,” Blocker said with a shudder, his eyes drifting away to a happier place. “More times than I’d like to admit though, some Marine has slapped an ‘emotional support’ sticker on a b-hole shaped Fleshlight and tried to board the plane with it on his junk. But only general or flag officers are allowed to have service mistresses.”
Though veterans groups have condemned the Air Force, the Department of Defense, and especially President Donald Trump for not doing enough to help service members, experts say the real victims are the poor staff officers who will have to work for the general.
“Without his emotional support mistress, he is still going to f*ck somebody down range,” Blocker said.
“Both figuratively and literally.”