Generals who failed to defeat Taliban explain how to kill a virus

WASHINGTON — Numerous general officers who contributed to America's slow-motion failure in Afghanistan would like you to take their advice on how to defeat the coronavirus pandemic, sources confirmed today.

“I think our advice is particularly timely for government officials. We know how to walk away from a disaster where people died with our reputations intact,” said retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal, who ended his career as commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan. “If you think you face a similar situation, I am actually a consultant now, and I can assist.”

McChrystal, who is most famous for his strategic insight that the United States should “muddle along” in Afghanistan, called the U.S. response to coronavirus “pathetic.” He has also argued that the country should employ counterinsurgency doctrine in order to defeat coronavirus, a doctrine best noted for its failure to defeat the Taliban.

Retired Adm. Bill McRaven, who like McChrystal commanded Joint Special Operations Command during America’s long and mostly unsuccessful counterterrorism campaign after 9/11, has different advice.

“The key thing is to make your bed every morning,” McRaven recently told government leaders at a $10,000-a-seat Zoom masterclass on leadership. “Just make your bed to flatten the curve.”

Former SEAL McRaven’s advice has had a major impact on governors around the country, who have been making their beds in records numbers. For his exceptional contributions, the University of Phoenix recently granted McRaven an honorary doctorate in epidemiology.

Other senior leaders have weighed in as well. In an op-ed for the Washington Post, former top commander in Vietnam Gen. William C. Westmoreland posthumously emphasized the importance of a metrics-based approach to such importance operations.

“You need to decide what is worth counting, count it, and make decisions to change that count,” Westmoreland wrote through a medium. “Maybe you count bodies, maybe you count infections. Whatever you count, if you don’t take a data-driven, scientific approach, you are doomed to failure.”