FORT BENNING, Ga. – Pvt. Matt Davis, an infantryman providing 360 security, reports that the majority of grass in grid square FT1242784962, firing sector 2a, is bending slightly to the left.

“I’ve been watching this sector for close to three hours,” Davis said, “and some grass is more straight, but most of it is definitely bending to the left.”

Davis has taken his time in the prone to consider if there are perhaps different species of grass in his firing sector, which would make it more likely for some grass to bend to the left, but after considering the color and height of each blade of grass, has decided that it is mostly the same grass.

“It must be an uneven heating of the Earth’s surface,” Davis reported after about 90 minutes in the prone. “There’s a temperature variation between the ground and the air. I’m noticing it.”

Davis also reported that there are a lot of ants in firing sector 2a, but maybe not as many as he thought there might be. The ants, which were medium-sized and black, did not appear to be heading towards an ant hill, but rather just seemed to be some ants going any direction. At the time of printing, Davis had counted 22 ants, but maybe he missed some when he stopped to scratch himself or that time his team leader came by to ask if he was drinking water.

Ever the scientist, Davis has also noticed that his left hip and right knee are supporting more weight, quite possibly as much as his left elbow, which is certainly the most itchy right now, but certainly not the only thing that itches. Davis has been considering pretending to be a left-handed shooter for roughly 15 minutes now, and just might go for it.

“That fucking fruit fly,” said Staff Sgt. Tim Haverlock, Davis’s squad leader. “Any other retard would just say ‘wind.’ There is some fucking wind. Is he still talking? Unfucking believable.”

Haverlock was napping with his Kevlar propped up on a sandbag at press time and could not be reached for further comment.