Green Beans Coffee deploys recon teams to Ukraine to scout locations
Is war just a racket?
By Zoltar the Malignant
SAN RAFAEL, Calif. — Green Beans Coffee, a common sight on U.S. military installations worldwide, has ordered its rapid-recon force to Ukraine to scout locations of open coffee shops for the next unnecessary conflict.
With news of Russia massing more than 100,000 troops on Ukraine’s eastern border, the company has deployed its Detachment Ensuring Coffee for American Forces commando unit to map suitable locations. “The DECAF unit, made up of former military service members, has identified at least a dozen candidate sites from which our next generation of soldiers will get their caffeine fix while being bled dry in our next forever war,” said Green Beans CEO Jason Araghi.
“Napoleon’s Grande Armée and Hitler’s Wehrmacht lost because they didn’t have hot coffee drinks on-demand to take the edge off the infamous Russian winter,” Araghi continued during a news conference at the company’s headquarters.
“Our brave men and women can rest assured that they’ll be able to wake up from their warm containerized housing unit beds to a hot cup of gourmet coffee before leaving the safety of their green zones to search for whoever lobbed a half-assed mortar attack.”
“Because that’s totally how a fight with the Russian Army will work, right? Like all this Middle East bullshit over the past 20 years?” Araghi asked with a nervous laugh.
Green Beans Coffee also plans to test its new Modular Overseas Coffee House Assembler to expedite the deployment of creature comforts to forward areas. Co-developed with DARPA, a MOCHA device is not much larger than a cafeteria refrigerator and can unfold into a functioning Green Beans Coffee shop within five minutes of activation.
While the Pentagon declined to comment on any potential deployments to Ukraine or Eastern Europe, Pentagon spokesman John F. Kirby praised the initiative of Green Beans Coffee and other companies that cater to the armed forces.
“Green Beans Coffee, like Burger King, Cinnabon and other corporations, have become just as important to the military-industrial complex as Northrop and Raytheon,” said Kirby. “They’ve always been there to boost morale every time we deploy troops to Whocaresistan because some local warlord won’t let girls go to school.”
At press time, senior defense officials confirmed they were also monitoring Burger King personnel who were recently spotted measuring beach gradients along the Black Sea ahead of a potential amphibious insertion.
Duffel Blog correspondent Zoltar the Malignant was a 2006 Pulitzer Prize finalist for his dispatches from Iraq while he was embedded with AAFES.