Grizzly Bear Wanders Into Unlocked Recruiting Office, Joins Navy
MARYSVILLE, WA — It's not every day that a grizzly bear is spotted -- let alone inside a Navy recruiting station. Six weeks ago, Police received a call regarding a break-in at a local Naval RSS. The Petty Officer in charge of the office believed he had locked the front door, but had apparently left it propped slightly open, and a large American Grizzly Bear helped himself to the station’s hospitality.
Recruiter Petty Officer First Class Antoine Hopkins tells the story:
“I heard something behind me as I was stacking brochures, and I turned around and just thought ‘Oh my God, I’m going to die.’ But luckily, the intense training they gave me as a recruiter kicked in. I calmly sat down at my desk so as not to startle him, and began a short presentation on the history of the U.S. Navy. The bear sat down and started to listen intently, so I began to move on to benefits and he loved it! I learned that his name was Eugene S. Bear and he signed into the Delayed Entry program right away.”
Petty Officer Hopkins tapped his chin thoughtfully and added, “He had really good penmanship. I remember he had a surprisingly neat signature.”
Representatives from the Navy report that Seaman Recruit E. Bear has started preliminary training at Naval Station Great Lakes Recruit Training Command. He is continuing to excel and his superiors believe he will graduate among the top of his entire battalion. Duffel Blog got in touch with some personnel who have watched him progress through training.
“At first I was kind of shocked to see a grizzly bear in my medical office,” said Hospitalman 2nd Class Miranda Clarkson. “I mean, they’re such a tiny minority in terms of the recruits we normally see here. I was scared at first, but he was really well-behaved, and pretended he didn’t even notice when I gave him his shots.”
Food habits have also been unusual for Recruit Bear. Recruit Division Commanders (RDC) have sternly rejected a proposal to stock and serve live salmon every day. Drill was an issue due to his space-consuming quadrupedal stance, but Instructors remedied this by promoting him to Company Guide.
“He was destined to be at the front of the formation,” one of his Instructors told us. “He is an absolute PT beast. His run times make these other punks look like they’re swimming against the current. They may as well be playing dead.”
Despite some problems, training is progressing smoothly. One staff member in the medical facility did say there have been some problems with other recruits. She spoke on condition of anonymity.
“I actually treated three recruits who had gone against him in knife hand contests. Two of them didn’t make it through the first night, but the third is in stable condition. We expect him to return to training, but there is no way his pink fleshy hands will ever rival Recruit Bear’s built-in weapons of mass destruction. Not a chance.”
The Navy RTC has also observed Bear’s techniques and decided that now a new move called “Knife Teeth” will be expected of all their human recruits. “After seeing the devastation Recruit Bear inflicted upon his training partners,” said Admiral Hunter Shaw, “we knew we needed every sailor to have similar techniques in order to raise our fighting capacity. We fully expect every recruit to sharpen up their teeth in preparation for the new graduation ceremony, which will incorporate roaring and tooth-baring.”
Eugene Bear is expected to graduate recruit training in mid-June of this year.