Guantanamo Bay Revealed To Be Elaborate 'Gay Groping' Conspiracy

WASHINGTON, DC — Officials at the Pentagon are stunned after an internal report revealed that the U.S. detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was originally created as part of an elaborate plan by military and government employees to kidnap attractive Middle Eastern males and then fondle their genitals and buttocks.

According to the report, the targets were selected by the ringleader, a highly-placed official in the Office of the Secretary of Defense, who had accomplices and fellow perpetrators in the Justice Department and Intelligence community. They reviewed satellite and other localized imagery, and tasked national assets, including human intelligence collectors on the ground with locating attractive men to abduct and molest.

Victims were sold to the group by various kidnapping rings in the Middle East, foreign governments, or sometimes even directly abducted by U.S. special forces who presumably had no idea why they were rounding suspiciously large numbers of attractive men.

The decade-long scheme only recently came to light after military investigators interviewed several dozen detainees who had been cleared for release and returned to their home countries.

"After a while we started noticing two overwhelming trends," said Lt. Col. Ralph Payne of the Inspector General's office. "Detainees who had absolutely no ties to terror groups and detainees who reported being repeatedly grasped by interrogators and otherwise fondled or penetrated. We're honestly amazed no one noticed sooner."

A memo signed by Justice Department officials officially listed the site as a "Hands-On Interrogation Center," but according to Payne, everyone there knew what was really going on.

Duffel Blog received access to some of the supposed "interrogation" reports, which lacked any useful intelligence and had a disturbingly similar pattern:

Detainee: "Well, I guess you caught me. I suppose you'll want to know where all those terrorist cells are."

Interrogator: "You're actually a terrorist? Huh, how about that..."

Detainee: "Wait, why did you abduct me then? Don't you want to know about the bomb going off in Paris next week?"

Interrogator: "Not really. You just have a nice ass. Look, I have to catch a bird in fifteen minutes, so just bend over and squeal and this will be over quick."

Detainee: "What the hell? Get your infidel hands off me! What are you -- AAAAGGHHH! [Unintelligible]"

Even more disturbing, Guantanamo appears to have been just one of several sites around the globe used to molest these men. After suspicious soldiers eventually started questioning how squeezing someone's ass was going to prevent the next 9/11, the abductors just moved their operations to satellite sites in Poland and Thailand. However even these sites eventually became too hot to handle.

Although human rights groups like Amnesty International have strongly condemned the Guantanamo Bay report by the Pentagon, many praised it for its openness, saying that its report at least helped explain why the facility was still open.

The Pentagon has already vowed to conduct a follow-up investigation into the group's alleged plans in late 2002 to invade an unknown Middle Eastern country to dramatically increase the supply of sexually available men.