GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba — In a controversial move praised by the international community as a promotion of human rights, the Department of Defense has begun allowing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to seek Post 9/11 GI Bill benefits.
While these benefits have traditionally been restricted to veterans of the U.S. Military to use in pursuit of a degree, the Pentagon has seen fit to begin allowing GTMO prisoners to enroll in the program.
DoD Spokesman Wesley Manheim said that it was all a matter of fairness.
"The DoD has been doing everything it can to prevent torture from being used against detainees at GTMO. By allowing the detainees to use the Department of Veterans Affairs, we hope to completely crush their souls with bureaucracy, which to be noted, is completely different from torture. I mean hell, the VA does that to our veterans on a daily basis."
When pressed as to how the detainees would be able to use the money, Manheim stated, "Mostly through online courses. Probably Phoenix College. Don't worry, it's not like they'll be able to get a REAL degree."
Eric K. Shinseki, head of the Department of Veteran Affairs, informed Duffel Blog of the details of how the VA would handle the new claims. "Because most 'guests' at Guantanamo Bay have been there nearly a decade and there is no end in sight for their 'visit', the Department of Veterans Affairs is ready to have their claims processed in 12-15 years as per standard operating procedure."
