Gunny Claus court-martialed, reduced to Private Claus

MARINE CORPS BASE, NORTH POLE — One of the Marine Corps' most beloved figures has found himself in hot water after attending what some are calling ''the greatest mandatory Christmas party ever.''

Gunny Claus of the 1st Reindeer Division was arrested by military police for assault, drunk and disorderly behavior, and other charges, defense officials said.

"We were just sitting around, praying the CO would let us leave early,'' said Lance Cpl. Jason Wellington. ''But then, Gunny Claus shows up with my two favorite girls from the Driftwood and a bottle of Jack. I always assumed he was just some fucking retired POG!"

Officials say Claus was charged 16 different counts, including Article 82, solicitation, 90, assaulting a commissioned officer, and 114, dueling. He pleaded guilty and was reduced in rank to private and forfeited all pay and candy canes for 3 months.

"We had to taze the bastard four times,'' said Sgt. Jorge Santiago. "I have been an MP for 6 years and I have seen some weird shit. Nothing comes close to this. He pulled out a cap and ball pistol and said 'Come at me, POG."

"Fuck all of you,'' Claus said in a public statement. "You try doing this shit job year in and year out. This is the toughest job in the Corps. Do you know how many times I've been pissed on in my blues? I only took this job because I failed out of recruiting school."