CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Gunnery Sgt. Lyle Coolridge has developed an innovative new leadership method called the "T.H.R.O.A.T.P.U.N.C.H. System" to solve his unit's morale problems, sources confirmed today.
According to Coolridge, the system draws on some of the most cutting edge management practices and psychological research to maximize morale among his Marines and remedy conditions ranging from "duty blues" to "chronic butthurt."
Coolridge described how he puts the system, which stands for "Total Happiness Remedy, Or, Advancement Therapy for Performance Upturns in Natural Combat Health," into action with his Marines.
"Basically, I punch them in the fucking throat," said Coolridge. "Mouthing off? THROATPUNCH! Dirty barracks? THROATPUNCH! Works every time."
Low levels of morale have plagued many units recently, and younger Marines say it is because leadership just doesn’t understand their generation. Top Marine officers think this system will help them better connect with millennials, who don’t respond well to more traditional leadership methods.
“This generation doesn’t get that when I’m knife-handing and belittling them in public, I’m just mentoring them,” said Lt. Col. Bryce Scott, Coolridge’s commanding officer. “They need all this science-y stuff like THROATPUNCH and ‘performance counseling’ to make them feel better.”
Scott says that before Coolridge introduced the system, discipline in the unit was abysmal. Now, he says morale in the unit is at an all-time high, and not a single Marine has complained since he began incorporating the treatment battalion-wide.
“Most Marines stop complaining within seconds of treatment, and some have even stopped moving and breathing altogether. I’m considering putting Gunny Coolridge in for Staff NCO of the Year,” said Scott. “His Marines all have that cold dead stare that only comes with discipline and true esprit de corps.”