Gwyneth Paltrow Slams Green Beret: 'Thank You For Your Service'

The following is an opinion piece written by actress Gwyneth Paltrow in response to an Army green beret, who was angered by the number of followers she had on Twitter.

“I can only imagine the difficulty," he wrote, "of waking up in a 12,000 square foot Hollywood home and having your assistant retrieve your iPhone, only to see that the battery is low and someone on twitter (the social media concept that you and all of your friends contribute to on an hourly basis to feed your ego and narcissistic ways), has written a mean word or 2 about you.

You’ve hit the nail on the head, war is exactly like that. You should receive a medal for the burden you have carried on your shoulders due to these meanies on social media.”

Paltrow responded, with this letter obtained exclusively by Duffel Blog:

Dear Mr. Green Beret,

Thank you for the letter. Your handwriting was impressively legible given your robotic prosthesis. You may recall I wore the Iron Man suit once so I understand how difficult it can be to complete simple tasks without assistance.

First of all, I can too identify with your limbless friends. Ever since World War II, many Hollywood actors have gone to war. Some like Jimmy Stewart and Clark Gable actually fought. If you remember, I played the wife of a police investigator in the movie Se7en where I was decapitated. Rehabbing from that kind of trauma helped me identify with the hardships our service members and their spouses face without ever having to be in the same room with any of them.

I have also been witness to and participated in a number of battles. The latest was when the Chitauri invaded New York City and my on screen love interest and his crack team of operators employed a nuclear device to save the Earth. I doubt you've ever had to endure the moral dilemma of whether or not to employ nuclear weapons. It's traumatic to say the least. Then there was the time I caught a mutant swine plague virus in Hong Kong. Not only did I nearly wipe out the entire human race, but I died again. You haven't the first clue how difficult that was, I didn't leave my set trailer for a week.

What I consider dehumanizing is the damaging way your energy of consciousness affects the universe. Molecules behave differently depending on the negativity being expressed by traumatically injured minds like yours. It's sad that your only recourse in life was to join the military industrial complex, transforming you into a hateful degenerate perpetuating the cycle of violence both on and off the internet.

Conversely, I have dedicated myself to informing and positively inspiring my audience with my uncompromising culture and style.

Thank you for your service.

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