Hacker Named 'Penis' Penetrates Restricted Network, Makes A Mess

WASHINGTON, D.C — The Departments of Justice and Homeland Security have been embarrassed by revelations that the anonymous cybercriminal "penis" has penetrated their systems and caused a spill, sources have confirmed.

An unknown individual, going by the Twitter username "penis", slipped into a DOJ intranet via a compromised email, after which he stole and dumped online the personal information of more than 5,000 DHS personnel and 20,000 FBI employees.

The attack comes only months after a separate group of hacktivists, Crackas With Attitude, purportedly hacked the personal emails of CIA Director John Brennan and Director of National Intelligence James Clapper. Both offensive actions came with the hashtag #FreePalestine.

"This is not the first time the government has gotten the shaft from computer hackers," one official said, on condition of anonymity, citing multiple penetrations by foreign actors of federal computer systems, including last year's OPM breach and targeted attacks against high-ranking intelligence officials.

Michael Ashford, an information security expert and retired sergeant major from U.S. Special Operations Command, expressed both amusement and cynicism at the repeated insertions over the past year.

"The chickens have come home to roost once again," Ashford said during a phone interview. "And this time, 'penis' has used cheap tricks — phishing — to insert himself where he's not supposed to in order to steal countless government files. Somebody at DOJ didn't pay attention to their information assurance CBT."

The federal government doesn't share Ashford's humor regarding the situation, however.

"These hacks have gone too far, and somebody needs to make an example of this prick — no pun intended," an unnamed covert operative sent from Groom Lake told reporters as he adjusted his tie and sunglasses. "And I'm not talking about Gitmo. I've got something special in mind."

He added: "We're going to find 'penis' and shove him in a hole so deep, the sun will never shine there again."