Hagel Blowing Deployment Money On Strippers, Beer

WASHINGTON — After returning from his latest deployment to visit troops overseas, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel is spending all the money he earned in Afghanistan as fast as possible, Duffel Blog has learned.

Hagel has gone to Hooters every night since he has returned, where he thinks the waitresses are impressed by his war stories. After downing several pitchers of beer he takes a limousine downtown to The Shadow Room, where he spends several hundred dollars in an hour.

“He was here last night,” bartender John Ray said. “He walked in, ordered bottle service, and started drinking straight from the bottle. He got so drunk we had to kick him out. As the bouncer was dragging him towards the door he shouted ‘Time to get some pussy!’ Then he asked where he could find the closest strip club.”

Hagel has become a regular at Archibald’s Gentlemen’s Club, where he likes to "make it rain on dem titties," according to witnesses nearby. Several dancers have complained about his conduct in the private rooms.

Candy Paradise, whose stage name is ‘Destiny,’ said Hagel tried to grope her. “He kept on trying to feel me up while he was handing me twenties,” she said. “He kept complaining about how much my lap dances cost. He told me ‘I could get three hookers in Vietnam for that much.’ I don’t care, I’m not a hooker. I’m a respectable woman.”

Meanwhile, Hagel has also been spending money even while on duty, calling in half-a-dozen escorts for a party while he was on watch at the Pentagon’s front desk. The next morning, he showed up for morning formation too drunk to stand.

While the Joint Chiefs have tried to tell him he was wasting his money and would have nothing to show for it, Hagel has been defiant.

“No way,” he said, “I just bought a black ‘96 Mustang for $50,000, zero down and 30% interest. I’m getting a bargain.”