Happy birthday, Coast Guar—Oh crap, that was two months ago?!

WASHINGTON — Happy birthday, Coast Guard! Semper paramus, you magnificent puddle pirates! We love you guys. We do. We're so happy to—wait, what?


Look. We totally had this on our calendar, but it, uh. Yeah. We’re going to be honest with you, Coast Guard: We totally forgot.

There’s just so many times you were there for us for ... for. Like, we know the time you. Hurmmmm ... You guys. You crazy guys, yeah?

You’re just the best at, um ... Oh, oh, oh! Narco submarines! You totally kicked those pirate submarine dudes butt the other day just like that time you, um.

And D-Day, yeah! D-Day! You guys were there and the landing crafts, and that was pretty sick and you were all like there and that was a big deal for all of us, really, so we appreciate that one.

Annnnnnd. Phew. This is NOT as easy as I. Thought. It. Would. Be.

Oh! And you guys do the whole tug boat thing and the refueling of the Nav—oh, that’s the Merchant Marines? Oh, right. Yeah, those guys are cool and all, but they aren’t the United States Coast Guard!

The lovers of freedom! The breakers of ice! Manners or lighthouses!

So here’s to you! THE COAST GUARD! And your... just a second... Two. Hunnnnndred annnnd twentyyyyyy-ninth BIRTHDAY!