Heavy CG: New Coast Guard weight rules make other services jealous

CAPE MAY, N.J. — The Coast Guard’s newly adopted weight standards will allow members to be just fat enough to make people from other services jealous and wish they joined the Coast Guard, service officials said Tuesday.

One of the main reasons behind the new standards is the the Coast Guard wishes to remain the foremost subject of envy from other military services. Especially with Coast Guard personnel being able to spend more time closer to their families, they figured they might as well give other branches another reason to resent their very existence.

In the initial program, the max waist measurement for men will be a hefty but fair 50 inches, and the maximum for women will be a pleasantly plump 48 inches, said Cdr. Bill Samp, chief of the Coast Guard's Policy and Standards Division.

"We found that we were just not happy with our members getting kicked out over arbitrary and strenuous rules when it came to body fat percentage," he said, dipping his Five Guys burger in lard. “It’s just like, between the government shutdown and our budget being cut, we figured it’s time to give ourselves a little elbow room. If you know what I mean.”

Other branches are already making fun of the Coast Guard by calling them the Buttered Toast Guard, Pudding Pirates, and the Fat Fleet, service officials said, but most Coast Guard memebers' moms say it's a clear sign of jealousy.

Hundreds ofCoast Guard members went on "probationary weight" in 2018. But with this new policy, it’s projected that number will drop, unlike the weight from those who were previously on the weight program.

"We obviously can’t be, like, super fat. But we can at least be fat enough to make people in the Air Force or Navy give us the hate-stare," Coast Guard officials said Tuesday in a news release.

Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Karl Schultz believed the new program is the "product of paying attention to the concerns of our workforce, exercising our ability to adapt to new trends, and making sure members from the other armed forces know the Coast Guard has a way-better quality of life than those other skinny bitches."