Study links sound of distant helicopters to veteran disappearances

WASHINGTON — Researchers at Harvard University recently released the findings of a comprehensive new study on PTSD confirming what many former service members already know: the distant sound of a helicopter is often immediately followed by the unsanctioned extraordinary rendition of a United States veteran.

According to study administrator and psychotherapist Dr. Michael Haverstock, respondents from every conflict since the Second World War were polled, and a number of variables were analyzed, including time in combat, military occupational specialty (MOS), and whether or not test subjects were whisked away in the dead of night by men in ski masks to a secret interrogation facility against their will.

"Veterans also reported a high rate of getting called back by their former commanders for clandestine missions in little-known or even fictitious third-world countries, also in a helicopter," said Haverstock from the University's new Center for PTSD. "And that is just what gets reported. We could be looking at a much larger problem with veterans returning from combat and getting thrust back into the same high-stakes, violent situations they left."

What complicates the matter even further, according to Haverstock, is that the events seem to be random in scope and occurrence. And, most disturbingly, completely undetectable by friends and family.

"It could be days or it could be decades," he continued, "before a veteran finds themselves hog-tied and blindfolded in the back of a completely untraceable black CH-47, forced to topple a foreign government, or turn in a missing canteen cup to CIF."

"You just never know."

The Pentagon, however, completely denies any such activities occur, citing the numerous municipal, state, and federal regulations they would need to circumvent in order to support operations on this scale, not to mention the lack of evidence in today's "youtube culture."

"Just like veteran suicides and VA wait times, people are taking one or two isolated events and blowing them way out of proportion," said Defense spokesman Peter Cook. "We are committed to providing a high-quality of care for our returning service members and abducting them out of their homes for arbitrary reasons runs counter to that."

Cook added that, in order to ensure veterans feel safe and the rumors are put to rest, the Pentagon requested the names, addresses, and social security numbers of the veterans who took the poll.

"You know, to be sure there is no misunderstanding," he said.