WASHINGTON — Congressman Dan Crenshaw (R-Texas) will have to stick to politics for the foreseeable future now that the entirety of Hollywood has watched his most recent audition tape and concluded it was “too cringy for the big screen,” sources confirmed today.

“To really sell the idea to film studios, I made the creative decision to focus more on the action scenes,” said Nick Neikirk, video editor for the Crenshaw for Congress organization. “Once wardrobe brought out the Grunt Style t-shirt and tactical backpack, I had to say ‘Whoa.’ Everything beyond that way just way too fuckin boot.

“We kept the cheesy diss on Army aviation though. That was pretty dope.”