By MapleSausage

WASHINGTON — Congressman Dan Crenshaw (R-Texas) will have to stick to politics for the foreseeable future now that the entirety of Hollywood has watched his most recent audition tape and concluded it was “too cringy for the big screen,” sources confirmed today.

The tryout reel showcased a bombastic, skydiving Crenshaw portraying a Bond-esque action star. Complete with a laser eye, slow motion handshakes, and pretend keyboard typing, the audition tape showed a crack team of politicians assembling to “save Texas” and prevent catastrophe at the upcoming Georgia runoff. According to sources, an early edit featured one scene that was later cut showing a stumbling Crenshaw at the Headlights Gentlemen's Club, slamming challenge coins on the bar and demanding coin checks from the other patrons.