Gen. H.R. McMaster Injured After Leaping Off Roof Wearing Homemade Wings

FORT EUSTIS, Va. — Lt. Gen. H.R. McMaster is in stable condition at the Fort Eustis clinic after he sustained serious injuries while making an attempt to fly late Sunday evening, sources confirmed.

Army officials confirmed that the leap was not a suicide attempt, as had been suggested by some, but merely an attempt to experience flight using innovative techniques.

McMaster reportedly crafted the “wings” using feathers from a ripped-open pillow, popsicle sticks, and Elmer's glue. After the glue dried, he strapped them onto his back and walked through his offices and a nearby barracks, flipping fellow soldiers off and yelling “so long, losers whom I’ve always hated!”

The 52-year-old general is the commander of the Army Capabilities Integration Center (ARCIC), which handles Force Management for the Army. ARCIC is a sub-command of TRADOC, the command which handles training for all soldiers in the entire Army. All changes to equipping, fielding, manning, training and recruiting are generated by, and approved at, ARCIC.

McMaster is also the hero of the fabled “Battle of 73 Easting,” the tank battle of the Desert Storm campaign. A captain at the time, McMaster’s company of M1 Abrams tanks happened upon a large Iraqi Republican Guard armor unit on Feb. 26, 1991, and in the ensuing battle, his company destroyed more than 80 enemy tanks, while American forces lost zero.

According to senior defense officials, McMaster apparently mounted the roof of ARCIC Headquarters using a ladder in the fourth-floor stairwell. After gauging the wind with the standard licked finger method, he backed up ten or twelve steps, screamed “Attica!” and charged headlong at the ledge. Witnesses report that he was flapping madly the entire time. Once he was out over the open air, he hung in empty space for almost ten seconds.

This was a long enough time for him to turn in mid-air toward observers and pull out a sign which read “YIPES!” before plunging to earth.

McMaster sustained a broken left leg, broken left collarbone, several broken ribs and spinal bruising. He also got a severe case of Piano Teeth, but that has since worn off. Army Spokesman Col. Bob McDonald assured reporters that McMaster would make a swift recovery and will soon be back at work.

“It’s actually much less serious than earlier this year,” said McDonald, “when the general tried to demonstrate those rocket skates for the Chief of Staff. Or last year, when he attempted to show the Vice President the effectiveness of our hole-making black paint. He gave himself a concussion charging headfirst into that wall.”

For his part, McMaster is optimistic and looking forward to returning to work, although he did have one complaint.

“I was having a pretty good time, since my battle brought my Xbox in here,” he said while gesturing from his hospital bed at the TV, where he had Grand Theft Auto V paused. “And eating lots of jello, and letting the pretty nurses fluff my pillow. But then Gen. Odierno came to visit and brought all my homework. Now it’s not as much fun.”