Hundreds dead after Air Force dining facility runs out of truffles, wagyu beef

Please God, let there still be Pâté.

By Whiskey Fueled Tirade

JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO, Texas – Hundreds of airmen starved to death after the base dining facilities ran out of gourmet foodstuffs, including truffles and wagyu beef, sources confirmed today.

“Last month we had to close down the sushi bar and now this,” Lt. Gen. Marshall B. Webb, commander of the Air Education and Training Command said during a press conference. “The good news is there are a few hundred less mouths to feed, so we will be able to stretch out the remaining Beluga caviar and bluefin tuna for a few more days.” 

“This is worse than the Air Force-wide butler strike of ‘98.”

Insiders say this isn’t the first time airmen have suffered over inadequate chow and broken dreams. In 1987, a dining facility at Minot Air Force Base ran out of Godiva chocolate milk for two weeks, nearly spurring a nuclear missile crisis. Nevertheless, Air Force leaders say they have a plan to mitigate the crisis until logistics are up and running again. 


“We are asking our airmen to have an open mind, and be a bit more resilient,” Gen. Charles Q. Brown Jr., the Air Force Chief of Staff told reporters. “For a few months, they may have to settle for a good old-fashioned grass-fed Filet Mignon instead of wagyu filets, and porcini mushrooms instead of truffles. You know, rough it a bit, like the Army.”  

“Besides, they’ll get hardship pay until we get this all sorted out.” 

The Air Force is not the only service affected by global supply chain challenges. Soldiers say there has been a noticeable shortage of Military Special bourbon in the Class Six, sailors say their ships are running low on wilted lettuce, and Space Force senior leaders confirmed they are completely out of astronaut ice cream. Surprisingly, Marines appear to be largely unaffected. 

“Global supply chain what?” asked Lance Cpl. Kendra Hopkins as she cleaned her M-16 and ate an expired MRE. “I didn’t even know we had a chow hall here.” 

At press time, Joint Base San Antonio leaders released a statement saying several dozen airmen died of thirst after Acqua Panna was unable to refill base-wide water fountains with natural Italian spring water.

Whiskey Fueled Tirade is an Army guy, distilled spirit consumer, and throw-away COA composter. If you have a favorite whiskey, recommend it to him on Twitter @FueledTirade. Cobra Commander and Paul Sharpe contributed to this reporting.

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