Hypoxic pilot refuses to wear a mask

“There’s a lot of stupid rules we have to follow in the military. But you can die from hypoxia.” 

By Wob Weego

DOVER AIR FORCE BASE, Del. — C-17 copilot and staunch conspiracy theorist Air Force 1st Lt. Kyle Korrigan received harsh criticism and a nap yesterday after refusing to wear a mask, according to sources. An unexpected depressurization at 37,000 feet knocked the pilot out, leaving the copilot claiming that supplemental oxygen is part of a “liberal agenda.” 

The Air Force is looking into the incident, but investigators believe the cause of the depressurization was the failure of a pressure-release valve. The rest of the crew was reported in good condition after they followed basic, common-sense instructions designed to keep them safe, such as “Put on a mask” and “Don’t take the mask off while the plane is depressurized.”

“It’s a pretty simple emergency procedure,” said Tech Sgt. Angus Smith, the loadmaster on the flight. “There’s a lot of stupid rules we have to follow in the military.

“But you can die from hypoxia.” 

All military aircrew are required to practice in an altitude chamber every few years to build awareness of dangerous hypoxia symptoms. Safety personnel say Korrigan attended this training in 2019 and expressed doubts about masks even then, according to transcripts released by the Air Force Office of Unnecessary Investigations.

“See, I told you,” Korrigan told the instructors. “I don’t feel anything. Can’t believe you guys believe in this shit. Everythings totally fine right now, even goats. Why did I say goats? Goats are like angry sheep. I always wanted a goat. I had a dog but it died. CLEOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

The Air Force plans to administer remedial training to Korrigan’s squadron and wing in the form of an eye-bleedingly long PowerPoint. All 2,500 people in the wing who know how to do their jobs will have to sit through it anyway.  

Korrigan is expected to make a full recovery but is currently dealing with a severe headache. Investigators say the headache is likely not a result of low oxygen levels, however. Instead, it resulted from the pilot hitting his head during emergency descent, since Korrigan also doesn’t wear seatbelts.

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DHS wishes local Arab-American would just hatch terrorist plot already

By G-Had on Dec. 14, 2013

CHICAGO, Ill. — A surveillance team with the Department of Homeland Security reports that they wish Ibrahim Dawud, a local Arab-American whom the department is currently surveilling, would just get off his ass and hatch a terrorist plot already.

Special Agent in Charge Michael Hunter, who heads the team from ICE Homeland Security Investigations, described how his initial excitement over identifying the 43-year old resident of Chicago as an extremist gradually turned into boredom, then apathy as numerous wiretaps, surveillance, and undercover informants failed to turn up the slightest hint of terrorist activity, even after secretly collecting his fingerprints.

"We know he's a bad guy, but so far we've spent about five hundred thousand dollars just watching him sit around doing nothing," said Hunter. "Those are ICE funds we could have easily used to keep illegal immigrant children out of our schools, or even transferred to the TSA for improved anal cavity searches."

According to Hunter, Dawud has missed numerous opportunities to conduct not only terrorist attacks, but also terrorist training, financing, networking, support, or any other type of extremist activity. In fact, after eight months of surveillance, all Hunter has concluded is that Dawud is either the most cunning terrorist in history or the laziest.

"We tried having someone walk into his office and make a bunch of extremist statements," Hunter said, referring to the first of seven failed sting operations against Dawud. "He actually kicked him out, obviously in an attempt to throw us off his trail."

Hunter added that in hindsight he wished he had arrested Dawud on the spot for obstructing a federal agent in the course of his official duties.

He briefly became hopeful when Dawud was observed taking pictures of famous landmarks, but federal prosecutors reluctantly concluded the pictures were part of what they called "a family vacation." Still, the incident only convinced Hunter to double-down on his efforts.

"After that, we went to his kids' school and convinced several teachers to interrogate them about what's going on in the family home," Hunter said. "Still nothing! Maybe he's waiting for Ramadan or Kwanzaa."

Bringing up his unit's round-the-clock drone surveillance of Dawud's house, Hunter grew exasperated watching him operate his backyard grill for the better part of an hour.

"Look at him, pretending like he doesn't know we're watching. He's even got several propane tanks for his grill. Why can't he just wire up a detonator to one of them? Crap, does he even know how?" he asked, before one of his assistants assured him it was probably in the Koran somewhere.

Dawud, a professor at the Chicago Institute of Technology who was born and raised in Illinois, was first identified as having extremist connections in 2007 after his five-year-old daughter Miriam was placed on a No-Fly list.

In the course of that investigation, DHS discovered that several of his former classmates were in the Muslim Brotherhood in his parents' homeland of Egypt. Agents were also shocked to find that he had traveled to the Middle East in 1983, 1999, and 2005 on some sort of "religious pilgrimage."

However, Dawud did not become an official target until an unauthorized wiretap in a local kebab restaurant overheard him making extremist statements that America "should just get the fuck out of the Middle East," along with grumbling about getting hassled at airport security.

Hunter admitted he might be able to charge Dawud with storing pornography on a government laptop as a last resort. Failing that, he could always try hiring Chris Hansen and his team of elite entrapment specialists from "To Catch a Predator," or bugging the church that Dawud, a Coptic Christian, regularly attends.

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